Friday, August 20, 2010

Though He Slay Me...

This season has probably been the toughest season of life I have faced thus far. Don't get me wrong, married life is amazing. I love my husband with all of my heart and I don't know what I would do without him. I certainly would not be handling this tough time as well as I am if he weren't supporting me.

My difficulty lies in the feeling that my dream is slipping away. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to teach. In elementary school I would line my stuffed animals and dolls against the wall and "teach" them whatever I was learning in school. I kept all of my old workbooks so I had something to use to teach them. As I got older, I sought out experiences that would help me get into an education program, and then into a classroom. It is all that I have dreamed of, all that I have worked towards. Two years ago, I got into the Elementary Education program at FSU. I was so excited, the next step towards my dream was coming true. Through the course of the program, I got to actually teach lessons and work in the classroom. I was thrilled. It was hard work, but it was so worth it.

When this past May arrived, I was ecstatic! I was graduating with my degree that would allow me to teach. I was ready! I was confident that God would lead me to the right job. He would orchestrate things so that I would be in the position he had designed for me. I knew that I would have to work for it, but I never doubted that at the end of the summer, I would be a teacher in my own classroom. After all, He had given me this dream. He had nourished it and led me down the path to being a teacher. Of course he would lead me to the perfect job. I was right there, it was within reach.

But now, I'm stuck by the realization that, at least for now, I am not going to teach. School starts Monday, and I don't have a job. These are the hardest words to write. I know that this is within God's plan, but I still feel like there are so many people that I am letting down. I know that I did everything that I could do; Leon County is a very difficult place to get hired especially in this economy. Yet that feeling of failure and letting people down remains. I dread facing the question from friends and family about what I am doing. These are people that have rooted for me and supported me in my dream. Now I will have to tell them all that I didn't get a teaching position this year. My heart hurts.

My family has been so supportive, all of them. I think my mom has cried as much as I have. Both my mom and dad have been praying nonstop for me since this all started. My amazing husband has listened to my rantings, my questions, and my tears. He gives me suggestions when he thinks of something, but then He just holds me and reminds me that God has a plan and we will get through this, together. I love him more than I can say. His family has been very supportive as well. I am very blessed in my in-laws.

As I said, I know that God has a plan for me. I know that somehow, someway, all of this will work out to His glory and it will be better than I ever imagined. Right now, however, it simply hurts.

I am learning to say as Job did. "Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him." What else can I do? God give me the strength for I have none of my own.